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Thursday, May 23, 2019
Former Vice President Dick Cheney Dismisses CIA Torture Report as 'Enhanced Tickling'
Posted by Chops
Dick Cheney, Dark Lord of the Sith, pictured here while thinking about eating babies.

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Former Vice President Dick Cheney has publicly dismissed the horrific CIA Torture Report as little more than "enhanced tickling".

People across the world cringed at the CIA's Enhanced Interrogation Techniques (EITs), many of which would make Adolf Hitler blush. Reasonable and rational people from both sides of the political fence were aghast as horrific details of the report surfaced, which involved everything from repetitive waterboarding to forced rectal feeding.

We presented the findings to Dick Cheney, Dark Lord of the Sith, who casually shrugged them off.

"Seems like little more than enhanced tickling to me," noted the former Vice President while sporting a blank and soulless expression. "This is a bunch of hooey. I simply do not understand what people are getting all worked up over."

After an extended period of awkward silence, we asked Cheney what he personally defined as "torture".

"Mmm, now that's a great question," he responded while wiping away a few beads of drool. "My personal favorite method starts off by inserting hundreds of red hot needles into extremely sensitive parts of the body, like the nose, eyes, finger tips, toes, and of course genitalia. You can never forget the genitalia. Then you slice off the tongue and stuff a rag soaked in chili-infused diarrhea into their mouth to muffle screams. From there, you start making tiny razor slices along the abdomen, enough to bleed profusely, but not enough to damage any organs. Then you take a red hot branding iron of an American flag and singe their flesh until they pass out. You have to have a doctor on hand to revive the subject of course, which they do. Now comes the fun part. You pour acid on their joints, like elbows, shoulders, knees, etc. That way every single movement becomes unbearably painful. This is when the doctor gets a workout because they are reviving the subject over and over and over. Finally, you poke out their eyes with a rusty fork, slice off their lips, pull out all their finger and toe nails, splinter their shins with a hammer, then punch them in the kidneys for a good half hour. At that point, they are ready to talk."

Cheney had to pause for a few minutes to calm his heavy breathing and monstrous erection.

"That's a good one," he continued. "But of course, that's on the milder end of the spectrum. I do prefer the more sadistically violent ones myself. Basically anything that involves blood on walls. Yes, yes, that's the good stuff."

The interview ended abruptly as Cheney dismissed himself to, and we quote, "rub one out." This was probably for the best as everyone else in the room was on the brink of vomiting and passing out.

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