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Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Exposed: the Real Duck Dynasty
Posted by Chops
Duckavian Romanov Sterling III, a.k.a. Ducky the Demonic, pictured here with his beloved wife Sandra Poofinghat Waterstrider, Duchess of the Smith Farm Pond.

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Alas, the tyrannical reign of Duckavian Romanov Sterling III, a.k.a. Ducky the Demonic, has come to a violent end at the Williams Pond of Ann Arbor, Michigan. He was found dead of multiple bird shot wounds outside of the family doghouse. It is unclear at this time who the shooter was and if there was a motive. However, that doesn't stop us from farting out some rampant uninformed speculation.

It is well known that Ducky the Demonic made many enemies throughout his life. Perhaps most famous was Flappy Flannigan, a ruthless assassin from the Smith Family Pond, coincidentally (or maybe not so coincidentally) the same home pond of his wife, Sandra Poofinghat Waterstrider, Duchess of the Smith Farm Pond. Ducky and Flappy had a relatively enjoyable childhood friendship. The relationship turned tumultuous after an unfortunate dinner party where Ducky showed his giant corkscrew penis to Flappy's then girlfriend.

Fun fact: male ducks have giant corkscrew penises. Even funner fact: female ducks have long corkscrew vaginas that turn in the opposite direction. Google that shit. You'll be glad you did.

Flannigan vowed bloody vengeance and their relationship was never the same. The feud continued all the way up to Sterling's untimely death, which we will just go ahead and assert, sans evidence, was cold-blooded murder at the wings of Flannigan. We reached out to Flannigan's family, who declined to quack.

Another tirelessly researched theory is that Sterling's wife was the culprit. She was known to take on multiple lovers during mating season, one of which was rumored to be Flannigan. It is entirely possible that Flannigan exerted his charming influence on Waterstrider, who in turn hired another fowl assassin. We have not confirmed any of this, but have no problem starting and spreading the rumor.

Let us not forget that Sterling was a magnificent bastard. His reign was unimaginably brutal. His kingdom was bitterly divided. Perhaps now that he is gone, his battered minions can know peace for the first time since the reign of Baron Von Downpillow, a.k.a. Fluffy the Friendly.

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