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Tuesday, June 25, 2019
Extensive Study Confirms: Bumper Cars Are Stupid
Posted by Chops
This is Tammy. She is absolutely, positively, categorically, and altogether bored out of her precious little mind.

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A high-profile international collaboration study between prestigious grade schools in America, Finland, Guam, and Scotland have come to an astounding conclusion: bumper cars are without a doubt the most unexciting, unpleasant, yawn-inducing attraction at any amusement park.

The study concentrated on archaic regional fairs that featured an array of rickety attractions with a high probabilities of rider death. The conclusion was quite conclusive: the highest rating from any individual exiting a bumper car was an enthusiastic ''meh''.

Further study uncovered that jaded mentalities were a large source of blame.

''I've been on rides that accelerate me to 80 miles an hour in seconds and shoot me 6 stories into the air,'' said an annoyed emo teenager with too much eye shadow.

''What the hell are bumper cars?'' asked a confused preteen.

It seems that the only people on the planet that have favorable opinions of bumper cars are the nostalgic elderly who would shatter a hip if they rode them.

''I remember back in the day when...'' one elderly gentlemen mused before falling asleep.

''Who are you?'' asked a confused grandmother.

The study also questioned the wisdom of having a sheet of electrified chicken wire dangling overhead to power the cars. Nothing soothes the nerves like bolts of mini-lightning jumping from a wobbly metal ceiling to your fragile mode of conveyance.

The results are clear: we, as a modern civilized society, must shun the bumper car. It has lost its relevance in our growing standards of vomit-inducing entertainment. We must dismantle them all and use the scrap metal to build real attractions.

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