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Thursday, May 23, 2019
Simians Boast: I'm Sexy and I Know It
Posted by Chops
In an unprecedented experiment by the world famous San Diego Zoo, captive simians were subjected to constant viewings of pop culture to quote, ''see what happens, you know, for shits and giggles''.

It didn't take long for the apes and monkeys to start mimicking what they saw. One brave monkey began twerking against the glass panel barriers, much to the horror of conservative patrons.

''It's pornographic,'' said one distraught mother. ''I don't want my children seeing this filth. Why can't they just fling feces at each other like good Christian monkeys?''

''Ooo mmm aah ooo,'' said Peaches the orangutan, which when translated from simian speak means ''Apparently I'm supposed to show my junk to everyone.''

Zoologist Gayle Bridges, creator of the controversial experiment, could not be more pleased.

''She just lays in the grass and flashes people all day long,'' said a strangely pompous Bridges. ''The experiment was a raving success. We have created a group of clinically depressed, self-conscious, objectified simians.''

It didn't take long for pharmaceutical companies to take notice, who promptly started hard-selling anti-depressants to the San Diego Zoo in order to treat their culturally obsessed simians.

''Peaches is now on a regimen of 18 different drugs,'' noted Bridges. ''She's now lethargic, socially detached, and generally unresponsive to stimulus. Or in American terms, healthy.''

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