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Thursday, May 23, 2019
SHOCKING: Doping Scandal Rocks the Duck Olympics
Posted by Chops
The Canadian Duck Synchronized Swimming team competing at last year's Aquatic Games in Toronto, Canada.

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The Canadian Duck Synchronized Swimming team has once again been hit with a doping scandal.

It should come as no surprise that the news broke at the notoriously corrupt Duck Olympics, where duck nations from across the globe compete in various sporting events.

Canadian teams are ruthlessly competitive and are no strangers to controversy. Lax policies have allowed corrupt coaching staffs to pressure athletes into abusing steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Some athletes have even agreed to regular blood transfusions in order to keep their coveted starting positions.

In the latest scandal, 3 out of 4 members received feather transplants in order to increase buoyancy and in turn reduce cardiovascular stress. Known commonly as ''fluffing'', it is a direct violation of the official Duck Olympics rules and regulations.

The information initially came to light after the 4th member decided to come clean about the on-goings of his coaches and teammates.

''Quack,'' he confessed to investigators, which loosely translates into ''It is with great sadness that I implicate my teammates in another doping incident. We were pressured into fluffing by our coaching staff in order to compete with the Norwegian team, who are impressively strong this year. I resisted, but my teammates did not. I was threatened with my place in the team if I did not comply and was subjected to constant hazing. Since I love my country and my sport, I decided to come forward in order to put an end to this unfortunate trend.''

The Canadian team has been disqualified and banned from open competition. They have the option to regain access, but only after successive years of passing rigorous drug testing.

''Quack,'' the confessor said, which loosely translates into ''I look forward to the future of Canadian Duck Synchronized Swimming. I am confident that we can put this disgraceful mess behind us and prevail in future competitions.''

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